Here She Is, Miss America!

Just finished watching the 2013 Miss America Pageant.  Back to back winners from the State of New York.  I can remember back to the Bert Parks days when it was truly a beauty pageant, full of swim suits, pageant dresses and lots of singing and piano players.

This year they had your normal talent performers: singers, violin players, and dancers.  But there were Bollywood performers, the tattoo lady archer now opera singer, river dance clogger and baton twirler.  Give me a break!

Natural beauty on these girls is never without enhancements.  Teeth are fixed, tans are sprayed, boobs are fluffed, stuffed, and puffed with assistance from surgery, padding, and even duct tape.  Dresses cost thousands of dollars, and of course they have to bring 3-6 outfits for each day, along with the makeup and hair care products.

Not sure about other State pageants, but in Mississippi, the winner has to pay her dues before earning her crown.  The dues includes a minimum of 3-4 years of being a contestant, and thousands of dollars spent on advertising in the pageant programs, hiring a convertible for the parade, and buying countless numbers of tickets for family members who want to attend one of the nights of the pageant.

I say its time to revamp the whole pageant process into a competition where the winner takes all.  Swimsuit competition would be replaced by a wet t-shirt contest, no points for second place.  Talent would be replaced by a mud wrestling contest.  Instead of a question and answer session, replace that with a watermelon seed spitting contest and a beer bong guzzling contest, with bonus points for the loudest burp!  The final round would be a series of field sobriety contests.  Money would be saved on dresses, who needs a tan when you have mud, and a beer company could sponsor the whole thing!

The current panel of judges also need to be replaced.  How can a basketball player, a gay boy band member, and a shark tank member be qualified to pick a beauty queen.  I say bring in the Olympic Ice skating panel.  We all know they are biased, but they know grace when they see it.

We have a Facebook Group that lives for the two pageants.  Participants can't wait for the next pageant season to roll around so they can read all of the commentary.  Of course, a true pageant addict has the "honey boo boo" contests and the regional contests to occupy them.

But, there is always Football Saturday, and all the bird watching!