Learn It Once

You go through life and learn some valuable lessons along the way.  I have reached a point in my life where it is time to share a few:

1.  When you make tuna casserole for the first time, be sure to boil the macaroni first.  Crunch, crunch.

2.  When cooking a turkey for the first time, be sure to remove the neck out of the carcass and pull the innards bag out of the breast area.

3.  When burning a trash pile, do not use gasoline.  Never laughed so hard when I looked up and saw "run Forest, run"!

4.  When you marry a woman, you marry her family.

5.  When out with the boys being boys, never stick your head out the window and barf into the wind!

6.  Never eat the last slice of your wife's birthday cake, ever!

7.  Don't punish your child by always yelling at them.  How will they know when you really get angry.

8.  Never allow your pre-teen son to "gas up" a two cycle engine.  "roar, roar, bam"!

9.  When you are in the parking lot waiting for your spousal unit, be sure the headlights are off when listening to the radio.

10.  When you loan something to a friend, expect to retrieve it.

11.  When the video says "do not try this at home", believe it!

12.  When changing the diaper of a baby boy the first time, be sure to cover up the water hose.

13.  When installing your first ceiling fan, throw the breaker.

14.  During the winter, do not turn the heater on, lock the doors and windows, and fart.  This is costly!

15.  Hug your children and tell them you love them.  Still working on this one.  Never too late to start.

16.  Always be "a man of your word".

17.  Strike up a conversation with the checkout clerks.  You never know when you just might brighten up someone's day.

18.  You can buy them their books, send them to school, but the learning, they will have to figure that out on their own.

19.  Never wake up your neighbor's teenage daughter to come outside to play in the snow.  Glad pillows are stuffed with feathers and foam!

20.  Never wear a red shirt on a vacation to Orlando during "Gay Pride Week".

21.  When your children leave to go play, lock the door before you "go play".  still laughing on this one!

22.  Never re-light a gas grill with the top down.  Boom!

23.  When making dog treats at Christmas time, do not add food coloring into the mix.  Dog owners freak out when poop changes colors!

24.  Tip well.  Waiters remember that on return visits.

25.  Never sign anything and write a check on the first visit.  If the salesman can't wait another day, there's your sign........