Don't Tread on da Spousal Unit

I have been married to the spousal unit for 30 years and I have learned a lot of spousal lessons along the way, but I still have a whole lot more to learn.  Here are some of my favorites:

1.  When you get mad at the spouse, do not yell.  Remind yourself of your wedding vows.  For better or worse.  When you yell at your spouse, all it leads to is her crying.  Trust me, ain't worth it.

2.  Forget trying to take directions from your spouse on road trips.  It just leads to item one.  Our GPS saved our marriage, but now the spousal unit's comment is "you never get made at her, even when she says that "recalculating" crap!

3.  When the spousal unit is talking about a project that "you" completed (unassisted) and uses the term "we", just agree and let her continue without interruption.

4.  When the spousal unit says "well fine!", run for cover.

5.  When you "have" to go to a gathering of the in-laws, just go.  You will know when its time to play "possum"!  Just find a quiet spot, and pretend to be taking a nap.  Before long it will be time to go.  Another option is to use the smartazz phone to stay current on FB or play a few games.  Again, time passes quickly.

6.  When at the in-laws, develop a code system with your children, so you will be on the same page.  Both hands behind the head means boredom.  Big yawn covered up with your hand is code for time to go.  Texting each other works when you haven't used up all of your battery playing games and updating FB.

7.  Never go to the grocery store with the spousal unit.  I usually have my cart in four wheel drive mode and spousal units just slow you down.  Plus, they seldom go by a list!

8.  Never go clothes shopping with the spousal unit.  She will ask you that awful leading question "honey, what do you think?" and either answer will be wrong.

9.  When picking a restaurant, always suggest that she pick the place.  When she stalls, you drop the subtle hint by coughing and saying "Mexican" at the same time.  She will say, "oh, lets go to our favorite Mexican restaurant"/

10.  Take the spousal unit to a book reading by an author.  Trust me on this one.   During the reading, they sell BEER!  She gets a book signed and you get a buzz!

11.  When requesting something from the spousal unit, always get that "please" in there.  I'm still working on that one.

12.  When vacationing at the beach, wear dark sunglasses, and do not comment on how fat the women are or how beautiful some other women is.  Phrases like "I just love the color of that swimsuit", or "OMG look at that tattoo".  Most of all, please remember to keep you tongue in your mouth, that's a sure sign that your mind is up to no good!

13.  Never say anything negative about a sister-in-law.  Brother-in-laws and other family in-laws are ok, but sistahood is off limits!

14.  Never, ever forget your wedding anniversary.  I was guilty on two occasions.  Now I have FB friends send me reminders weeks and a month in advance.  No excuse, for forgetting, is a whole lot better than a lame one!

15.  Never, ever, eat the last piece of the spousal unit's birthday cake.  period.  end of discussion.  I barely survived, ok!