Monday, July 6, 2015

Baby Magic

Took the spousal unit north yesterday for a visit with baby ACE.  Around three hours up, and three hours back.  That boy isn't a week old and already his has his magic going on!

All it takes is for a potential baby momma to get pregnant.  Suddenly, this magic creates a chemical change in the momma-to-be and everybody around her, all good, by the way.

Suddenly, in a few weeks, her tummy begins to grow.  Eventually her belly button goes from being an innie to either popping out or disappearing entirely!  Now she has to go buy a bunch of stretchy clothes that she would never be caught dead in during her other life of tight tops and skinny jeans.

On the arrival of this bundle of joy, people that have a hard time sitting in church for a hour find themselves plopped in a hospital waiting room chairs for hours on end.  It's funny to look up and see the audience either doing the bobble head nod, or viewing the line of smart phones all engaged in finger exercises.  People that are normally in bed snoring are bumping each other to stay awake in the wee hours of the a.m.!

Once home, there is no rest for these weary eyed newbie parents.  Instead of sleeping in or up early for their old exercise routines, the happy couple and now fully engaged in baby Olympics.   Oh no!  Crying!  What to do?  Ok, check both ends, either change one end or feed the other!

 Things that were just plain gross two weeks ago are activities full of laughter!  OMG!  I just got peed on!  Would you just look at the color of this poop!  Where are the instructions to this diaper genie,  because I don't think it's working! Phew!!!

More baby Magic occurs at home.  The fridge is now overflowing with food stuffs that you have never seen before.  How many casserole combinations are there?  Gotta eat them, as more are on the way!

It doesn't take much baby magic to convert the most macho of men.  Before they know it, they are hand washing bottles and assisting with the feedings.  And then there he is doing laundry for the first time ever!

The battle royal occurs when visitors line up at the door, all jockeying to be first to hold that bundle of joy, rock it and hum some silly song, then draw straws on who is gonna change it!

Yep, diaper changing time!  Let's all do this together now!  One does the clothes changing, another goes straight to the diaper, while a third gets smart and grabs the baby wipes and butt cream.  This crew works better together than a NASCAR pit crew!

Now, all the company has gone.  Clothes are washed, and the kitchen is clean.  Bundle of joy has had its bath and just been fed.  And now, the baby that layed down fine in the hospital, wants to be held 24/7!

OK newbie parents, get some sleep.  In a few hours you get to start it all over again.  Ah, baby magic!

Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Babying Ain't What It Used To Be

Got a grandbaby nephew in the oven and today is supposed to be his birthday.  Ain't heard a word yet, but with all the new fangled ways to do things these days I'm not surprised.  Back when I was born they used to do the announcing be smoke signal and telegram.  Now, holy moley!  You gotcha cell phone calls, text messages, Facetime, Snapchat, Facebook page, Facebook group, Facebook messenger, Twitter, Instagram, Tumbler, and on, and on....

When we had our first born, we entered the hospital around 8 p.m. and he came to us by C-section at 8:34 the next morning.  The hospital didn't have 637 tv channels to watch.  In the wee hours it was her and the contractions, me, and the few infomercials that were being telecast at cheap rates that time of night.

Once Matthew got here it was a mad rush to the payphone.  Luckily I had my roll of quarters with me.  Cling, cling they went!  The Maw-in-law was with me, and she was more excited than anybody.  She was getting all flustered, and yelled at me, "well fiddle!  Where do the quarters go on this pay phone???!!!"  I had to calm her down a bit, let her use the one I had, and explain to her that she was trying to feed quarters into a credit card slot on that particular pay phone!  Lord, I am so glad that I've never had to take her to a Casino!  All the calls got made in spite of that credit card one!

When I got raised, all they had was cotton diapers.  With good poops and bad, it was the same process!  Those with money paid for a diaper service.  The rest did the self service cleansing regularly.  When mine came along, it was all about disposable diapers and wipes.  We were lucky that the diaper genie was invented during our time.  That sucker could hold a few days of used-ups at a time, with a built in senor telling you it was time to dump, you know, the smell!  Nowadays, I'm guessing my version of the diaper genie is long gone.  This new generation probably has one that incinerates each one, or recycles it into garden fertilizer!

In my day, they killed a rabbit for some strange ritual. With ours, the spousal unit merely peed on a sweet tart contraption.  With her, there were no ifs, ands or buts, she was 100% pregnant both times.  These days I think the sweet tart thing is history too.  There has gotta be an IPhone or Android Application that these women have on their phones that picks up some kind of sensory reading and sends the findings to the OB-GYM.com app and they get some type of message telling them its time for them to start eating all kinds of weird combinations of food items! Their hubbies need to go ahead and find one of those online child birthing classes. And forget about that new truck or sportscar, its SUV time.  He'll also need to be stocking up on those e-cigars to hand out on birth day! 

Car seats are another thing.  In my time, first you bought an infant carrier.  Then you upgraded to a car seat that you moved from car to car. That car seat was good for at least two birthings  Now it's a combination all-in-one.  You have one carrier, and at least six base units, two for you, two for the grandparents, and to for those sister-in-laws that fight over baby sitting rights!

I saw a commercial the other day where a baby came out, grabbed the nearest IPhone, and got things rolling then and there.  I won't be surprised if it happens with this one.  Come on ACE!  You've got a crowd of folks waiting on ya!

Sunday, June 28, 2015

Let's get physical!

Went in for my latest wellness visit this past week.  I am always uneasy when it comes time for the dreaded finger stick, and I'm not talking about a needle!

In walks somebody called a physician's assistant,  in training.  A woman, oh boy.  Thoughts of dropping my drawers for her for that God awful finger probe flow into mind.  Ok, there has to be a hidden camera somewhere,  and somebody is gonna jump out and say gotcha!

She tells me she wants to go over my medical history and do a brief exam before the doctor comes in to summarize.   Oooookayyyy.  She starts down her list of questions, any issues with this and that,  etc...  She gets to the one where she asks about shortness of breath.

Something goes off in my head, kinda like that little red devil that sits on your shoulder, waiting for the right moment.  Then it just comes out of my mouth: "shortness of breath?  Only when I'm around naked women!"

Well, that caught her off guard!  She stepped back, took a breath, collected her composure, and said, "you know, I married one just like you.  I can't  wait to see how this ends!"  Suddenly she had me!  Thought of that finger stick rushed into my head!

The rest of her questioning went off without a hitch, and then she told me to lay on the table.  Oh crap, what's  next???  Thankfully it was routine stuff I'd  done countless times before!  But still, I kept wondering, when's it coming.......

She finished with her exam, and my heart rate  started going back to normal.  Now, lab work, she said.  Whew!  Safe for now!

Everything on the lab results were in tolerable limits, thanks to the medications I've been taking for the past 10 years.  Blood sugar, however, has been creeping up.  My weight has also been creeping up.

Doctor came in and went over briefly what I had experienced over the last 20 minutes.  Seems there is a new blood test they will do next visit that looks at blood sugar.  The test will determine if you are a good candidate for their little magic pill that helps to lower your sugar levels.  And, I got out of their with just the PSA test reading, and no FINGER!!

I made up my mind on the way to the parking lot that some things have to change.  Sugar and carbs have got to go!   Some of this is easy,  as I already gave up sweet tea and sweetened colas long ago.  I have also cut back on the volume of fried foods, but even less will be better.   The hard part is the carbs from bread, taters, rice, etc....  hell, I've gotta be part oriental with as much rice as I consume!

So, the challenge is on.  The only loser can be me, and the winner, regardless, will be my overall health.  Gotta start somewhere, at sometime.  Might as well be now!  Fingers crossed....


Going for the Crown

Last night we had the annual running for the roses, sash and crown here in Mississippi.  The Miss Mississippi Pageant is broadcast live, running for two hours on one of the local television stations.

The old pageantry of years past somehow seems a bit lost, but for a group of eighty people in a "closed group" on Facebook, we look forward to this event for 364 days every year!

This group was formed several years ago, as a result of a each of us doing commentary individually on Facebook during this very same pageant.  Each of us would see each others comments and add to them.  Our individual comments were lighting up the FB news feed like crazy.  We were all like jealous pageant mom's on steroids!   Our regular Facebook friends did not know what to make of all this!

In a brainstorm dream, out fearless moderator came up with the idea of a closed group for the next pageant, which was Miss America, just a couple of months later.  Needless to say, it was a hit amongst  our group of pageant followers, and we are now a group of over eighty, and most of us have never met, all being friends of the moderator!

This year was almost like watching the Superbowl!  We had pre-game commentary. " Ok, what channel, because my cable viewing guide doesn't show it being on WLBT?"  "How many Casino ads will we see this year?"  "Will the plastic surgery ads take over this year?"  "Wonder why there are no dentist commercials with all those fixed smiles??"

WLBT cut over to the pageant right at the 8:00 hour.  It was obvious from that cut over that the pageant preliminaries had already been going on for some time.  One of our crew had been in attendance all week.  She noted that the Fire Marshall had visited on Wednesday, and ordered 40 seats be removed in the name of fire safety.   You know there had to be some hot and angry pageant attendees whose prepaid seats were nowhere to be found!

The cut over went into the introductory musical dance opener.  It didn't  take long for the commentary to begin!  The first live song, you guessed it, lip stinked!  Hopefully the audience didn't notice it as much as our group did!

We were introduced to this year's hostess, and right off the bat, some in our group noted that she had a baby only seven weeks earlier.  Some noted, "that must be the reason for that dress"!  It was a bright red one with an open back.  The wireless microphone pack looked like a battery pack for an android adult size doll!  She later changed into a blue dress that provided even more commentary.  Her boobs offered up one note that she looked engorged!  I noted that the veins popping out of her cleavage were the same color as her dress!

The evening gown portion was uneventful,  as the girls all looked stunning in their choices of gowns.  Their athletic trainers would be proud.  The plastic surgeons work was perfect.  One girl was caught by our group, her white bra strap was exposed, under her black dress.  This is a big no no in the pageant world!  Then, one contestant,  made it known that her mother had breast cancer, and that she, had undergone a preventative double mastectomy.  Wow!  We all wondered, would she make it to the next round?

The comment of the night came from our moderator during one of the segments where they announce the awarding of scholarship money.  "You have to just love it when a contestant is awarded a $1,000  scholarship while wearing a $6,000 dress!

The "talent" portion for the top ten had us all wondering, how bad could the others have been???  One girl doing ballet looked like a spinning top!  Singers had Daddies asking Mommas "and how much have we spent on voices lessons???"

The swimsuit portion was the hit of the night.  Some wondered if the spray tan solution was sold in 55 gallon drums. It looked like some of the contestants had put on their bodybuilder shine before their entry onto the stage!  Our comments centered around the shoes!  Some wore platform wedges and one contestant had the dreaded "toe overhang"!

Finally, it was down to the top five!  It's interview question time!  Most of us were of the consensus that last year's runner up was the odds on favorite, this being her last year to compete.  Yep, she got picked and made it through her question without a slip!

The anticipation was building for the announcement.   The lengthy song and dance numbers during vote tabulation just added to the suspense!   Finally, it was time!

The stage was full of dignitaries. Along with the crown bearer,  the Governor and Lt. Governor were at the ready with the bouquet of roses and the Miss Mississippi sash.    It's time!

After the first few announced placements, we learned that the odds on favorite didn't make it to the top two.  It was now down to Miss Rebel from Ole Miss and Miss Golden Eagle from USM.  The winner, the blonde violin player from USM!!!

Our group all expressed how much fun we had experienced together over the past 2.5 hours.  We are all at the ready for the next one.  Bring on the Miss America Pageant!!!

Saturday, June 27, 2015

Watermelon

Son #1's girly friend returned from an all girl beach trio the other day.  One thing that she brought back with her was the biggest striped watermelon that I'd  seen in quite some time!

I knew it was coming, as she sent me a text with a picture of it in her Mom's lap.  That sucker weighed in at over 40 pounds!  Not sure where she got it, but her Mom's lap will never be the same.

Once she walked in with it, I knew the anticipation was gonna kill us.  It was gonna take at least 2 days to put a good chill on that sucker!  Luckily there was enough room in our outside fridge for it to it.  The number one question was "could we wait"?

You have to wonder how do those guys know  when to pick'um.  I don't  know that I've ever seen an under ripe one.  The absolute worst  kind is one that is over ripe, the texture is nothing but mush! Nothing to do with these but toss it, and hope for better next time.

Well, this 40 pounder made it through the cooling stage, now time to cut!  There is no greater anticipation than waiting to hear that sound.  You take a knife, the longer the better, and stick it in, almost to the end of the handle.  As you slide the blade down the side of the melon, you listen for that snap and crackle of the melon beginning to split in two.  Yes!  You hear it! Oh man, it's gotta be the sweetest one of the season!

When the boys were young, I occasionally could get away with "cutting the heart out of it" for a quick tasty sample.  The spousal unit finally caught on, and now she is forever reminding me "don't you do it!"

My slice is officially on my plate.  The anticipation of that first bite is killing me!  My utensil of choice is a knife.  Just me, the melon slice and a knife!  Some go with a fork, and some even have a shaker of salt.  What's up with that???

The first cut for me is always the portion of the heart that makes it to the plate.  I always have my fingers crossed that there is enough of the heart to wet my appetite to get me through the next phase of attack.

I cannot stand watermelon seeds.  Some folks just cut off pieces, begin to chew, and spit the seeds out as they go.  Not me!  I use the knife blade to pick out as many seeds as I can.  The next challenge is to cut off as many pieces, preferably with no seeds at all.

If the melon is really sweet, you can't  get enough of it.  I'll  whittle that sucker all the way down to the white part of the rind.  Sometimes they are so good you have to go for another piece!

Man!  I've just made myself hungry for another slice of that bad boy. Now, I'm  glad the girly friend went for that forty pounder!

Saturday, June 20, 2015

Rebel 101

With a new freshmen season coming near, now would be a good time to go over the rules of the games for those newbie parents that will be on campus visiting their college student this fall.

1.  At that school up north, one doesn't  greet each other with a "hello", or "how ya'll doing?"  Now one must greet with a "hotty toddy" and reply with a "hotty toddy"!  This kinda takes care of those unpleasant moments when you don't know what to say.  Rumor has it that it has been spoken to love ones in the box whose whole life was all about the red and blue.

2.  Your freshman son must have in his wardrobe a navy sportscoat, kaki dress pants, and a selection of ties.  Bow ties are optional.  The sports coat, on occasion has been known to be used as cover in the stadium when one is stuck in the crowd and has to pee!

3.  Young ladies are required to wear their three inch heels to the Grove on at lease three home football weekends.  The heels are required in order to insure that the soil on top of the majestic oaks gets good aeration.

4.  On football Saturday, you must remember to cover your twelve pack or case of your favorite adult beverage.  It is usually the incoming freshmen that has not yet gotten the lowdown on the hoedown in the Grove.  Once "busted" it is your responsibility to recycle responsibly!

5.  Tailgating is no longer all about the chicken strip.  Once in College, students must develop a taste for a variety of dips, pasta salads  and finger sandwiches.  Rest assured, there will be chicken fingers present, but not in the volumes of years past.

6.  It is permissible for young coeds to wear panty hose in lieu of a Florida summer tan, but under no circumstances is she allowed to also wear open toed shoes!  Her great grandmother would roll over in her grave!

7.  Coolers of all types will arrive for the tailgaters party.  Personal coolers, rolling coolers, and chest coolers of all colors and sizes.  One does not necessarily need to place a lock on their cooler.  The lid must, however, be secured tightly.  Any accidental spillage on the Grove loop is fair game for Security to claim!

8.  Prior to your arrival on football Saturday,  please have the GPS coordinates of your tent site locked and loaded into your cell phone.  No point looking like lost sheep on your first visit.

9. For you ladies on your first visit, please be prepared for your first encounter with a "port-o-john".  Restroom lines are quite long in the few buildings that are open, and there are only two "hotty toddy potty" trailers.

10.  The number one rule to remember on your visit is that "they may not win every game, but they never lost a tailgate"!

Thursday, June 18, 2015

Beneficial My Ass!

The dogs and I were spending the day outside the other day.  The two browns were barking at the neighbor dogs and catching a few rays while Henry was on one of his search out and destroy missions, leaving no stone unturned and no leaf unsniffed.

I was back and forth from the front yard toting boards to the saw for a couple more of my cooler box projects.  You have to fool the browns because they will be out that gate and gone before you know it.  They usually return after exhausting every bit of pee that they can muster to sprinkle all of the mailboxes from my house to the end of the street.

I gently set the boards down, leaning them against an old grill of mine that doesn't get much use anymore, but it was my first stainless model and this ole griller just can't seem to be able to part with it.  I was about to head back to the front yard, when BAM!  I'd been hit in the back of the head with a stinger!  I reached back to swat, musta missed, and BAM! that sucker done got me again!

I immediately figured out that it was a wasp.  He was a bugger bear, because both stings went through my cap and into my head, which is as hard as they come.  I look up and see at least eight more heading my way.  I put my butt into reverse and retreated outta there!  Ole Henry dog got curious and came over to investigate.  I tried to tell him about the wasps, but seeing that he is a Boston Terrier, he mostly only understands that Northeastern dialect of English.  It didn't take those wasps very long to zero in on Henry, popping him at least twice!

All four of us made it back to the coolness of the house.  I had to make sure that those two stings didn't affect me out in the heat.  The dogs didn't mind coming in, as they all went to the water bowl at the same time.

Later, I went back to inspect the scene of the crime.  There they were, all lined up on the back of the grill, like planes waiting to take off an aircraft carrier, at least six to ten of them.  I wasn't too clear on the count, since I only had one eye on them and the other on the several that were still in the air, buzzing in circles, looking for the next threat!

Wasps are supposed to be a beneficial insect, killing and feasting on other insects.  A friend of mine on Facebook mentioned that wasp stings help with arthritis.   Not sure about all that, but the back of my head has a small knot on it today from the sting.

Yesterday I went to Wallyworld to pick up some wasp spray.  I get the kind that kills on contact and you can squirt from at least 15 feet away.  I got the one that came as a two pack (glad I did!).  I walked back to the old grill, and there they were, just a buzzing around like the day before.  I got to the backside of the grill and spotted those same bad boys lined up ready to go.  The first squirt took them all down.  Hot damn!  I took a pause, to take a look, and from out of the vent comes another swarm!

I sprayed and sprayed, knocking them out of the air and picking them off as they came out of the vent.  I just hoped the can didn't run out of spray!  Finally everything calmed down.  I raised the lid of the grill and started spraying again. There wasn't one or two nests, there were three!  I gave them a good soaking until there was no more juice coming out of the can.  They may have won the battle the other day, but I had won the war!
 
I went back out there this morning to inspect the damage.  I grabbed a stick to knock the first one loose, and oh CRAP!  More cousins were on the loose!  One popped me on the back and Ole Henry had learned his lesson from the other day, as he was up by the back door laughing at me.  I grabbed the second can of spray and went at it again, this time leaving no prisoners behind.  I smushed up the nests to make sure no more of these "beneficial insects" would be coming back a third time.
 
Beneficial my ass!