Unofficial List of Dumbass Moves

This list has been years in the making from personal experiences.  They are in not particular order.  I will never admit to the ones that happened to me:

1.  Driving in the rain on the Interstate with your cruise control on.  Sooner or later your butt will be in the ditch, or worse, in a wreck and hurt somebody.

2.  Swimming without a life jacket on.  Her telling you that "I'm on the pill" ain't gonna cut it when she gets the baby bump.

3.  Electricity goes out at the house.  Your wife is late for work, and she is in her car, trapped in the garage.  Time for somebody to pull the little red handle.

4.  Showing up at the "Grove" with two cases of beer, one in each hand, uncovered, and walking by the Police tent.  Open the box, pop the top, and pour, pour, pour.

5.  Wearing a very expensive pair of sunglasses without a strap, into the surf at the beach on red flag day.  Kiss'em goodbye!

6.  Deciding to burn trash in your yard, for the first time, and using gasoline as the starter.  Kaboom!

7.  Sending your girlfriend a text "don't come, I don't love you anymore" when she is in transit, in the car, with your mother and grandmother.

8.  Your Neighbor asks you how to smoke a turkey.  Hour later you notice the smoker looks like it is on fire, with smoke billowing out of it.  Wood pan is in overload! You fix it by removing 2/3's of the wood.  Hours later the neighbor says "did you know there was a turkey neck up in the carcass?" "What about the gizzard sack?"  "Huh???"  Yep!  both were well done, bird was black.

9.  How to fix an ingrown toenail.  Accidentally drop a heavy wooden picnic table on your foot and lose the toenail.

10.  How do you stop the question "so, what happened to your big toenail?"  Paint it with son's girlfriend's fingernail polish, one color amongst 100's to choose from.

11.  How to shit in your pants.  After Katrina, sit back, relax, and drink a beer, with a pickup holding three 55 gallon drums full of gasoline with the vents open, in your driveway.  Then have your neighbors join you and one of them lights up a cigarette!

12.  Go swimming in the Yazoo River as a preteen and hide the muddy underwear in the closet.  Next thing you know your momma has you at the health department for a thyphoid fever shot.  which hurt!

13.  Hand your buddy your beer and say "watch this!"

14.  Middle aged men taking on a bunch of college girls in a game of "quarters" or "cup flip". Obviously the girls have had a lot of practice!

15.  Change your own oil and guide your spousal unit up, and over the tire ramps!

16.  Ride a 10 speed bicycle for the first time and not know where the brakes are, then sit down on the back tire to stop.  Burn baby burn!

17.  Attend a crawfish boil with your soon to be ex-husband.  Consume one too many adult beverages and head home.  Then, bed time, and a certain someone forgot to wash his cayenne flavored hands......

18.  Long road trip for a football game.  You are wearing a tinge unit that you borrowed for back pain.  Get to the rest stop for a tinkle drop.  You are so concerned about managing all the wires, you forget one other thing.  Panty drop!

19.  You are in the men's restroom in the John.  You here your Boss say "damn! I hate it when this happens!"  A week later it happens to you.  Boxers on backwards!

20.  You are having a party in your backyard, full of neigbors and your three dogs.  Youe wife walks out back and says "honey, look what I found in the garage."  A cat, with all its claws!  Go dogs go!  Cat wins, dogs lose, honey bleeding.

As the days and months go by, you can be assured that there will be another list!